3 Month Rule: Chapter 4(2010)

CHAPTER 4

Outburst of Emotions

 

“Anyone can catch your eyes, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.“

Fourth year first semester wasn’t so great for me and my groupmates, it was a struggle especially in my part. Unfortunately, at the end of all the sacrifice and hard work that I’ve done for our group, the results weren’t successful.

BLURRY SITUATION

Despite of the undesirable things that happened on my academics and the stressful obligations that I had, I could say that my fourth year – first semester was very memorable. No matter how stressful I was, I became genuinely HAPPY.

After all the revelations that happened between the two of us (I and him), we became more open and comfortable with each other. He became my thesis partner which we already talked about before the semester began.   Every night before we sleep, we always discuss about our thesis then eventually we began to exchanged stories and open new conversations. We never missed a night without having a single conversation even if we meet everyday in school. Most of the time we sleep late at night (between 1-3 am).  Even those busy nights while were doing our school work, we still had conversations about school stuff, projects, about our profs, blockmates..etc..about US.

There was a time when we had our group reporting for one of our subjects and at the end of our report we had an intermission number and had a mini game for our block. Our game was newspaper dance and they asked us to show a demo. So him and I did the demo. Then, when the music stopped I stepped on the newspaper with him then all of a sudden he lift me up! Everyone in our class taunted us, some were laughing, giggling all those “kilig” reactions from them. Then I had a big smile and just tried to hide the “kilig” feeling. I don’t know what came into his mind on why he lifted me, but he did a great job for making me fall for him even more. The following night, I saw our video that was already posted by our block president on facebook and I just can’t remove the smile on my face.

Few days after, everyone started to tease us. People from CS department (professors, 4th year IT and CS students) keeps on asking us if we’re already “in a relationship”. At first it was cool but eventually I became annoyed by the repetition of question. One time when our group had a system checking, our professor began to tease us. Our prof asked him “kayo ba?”, followed by another question “kung ire-rate mo mga ilang percent na (about his feelings for me)?”. Then he said “bestfriend po kami…..cguro mga 99.9 percent po”. Then he mentioned something like “I’m getting there”. We just laughed and tried not to take things seriously but in my mind I thought, what does he meant by “I’m getting there”?

On the midst of everything, he opened the conversation about the issue between us. It was a bit awkward at first but then we were able to talk about it. He said that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings because every time someone asks him, he just kept on saying “No” (that we’re not in a relationship). I told him that he shouldn’t be worried because in the first place we’re not really a couple. On the other hand, although I clearly heard him when he said we’re just best friends I took the courage to ask him about how he really feels when he’s with me. I don’t want to make an assumption, but considering his actions, gestures, the way he treated me, it was different compared on how he treated his other friends (girls). I really felt that something’s going on between the two of us that I need to clarify, that I need to hear from him.

That same night on our conversation he gave me this question, “Pag gusto na ba kitang maging girlfriend dapat pa ba kitang ligawan?”. I was speechless for few seconds, he was too presumptuous about my feelings and I was like “did he just said that?” . Then I answered back “kung ako magkakabf I want him to be the last.. and gusto ko dumaan sa tamang process of courtship and everything..”. I said that because my last relationship with my 1st boyfriend, I didn’t had any kind of courtship and at the end I was left with a broken heart. I just don’t want to make the same mistake again. Before our conversation ended he gave me his perception about relationships. His last words that night, “being in a relationship was like a trial and error kind of thing. You just have to try, it doesn’t matter whether he/she’s the one for you. There’s no guarantee that you will be together for the rest of your lives, if you’re not meant for each other then there’s pain. However, there’s always a way to move on and after moving on find someone to love again”.

LET IT RAIN

One night along our way to our groupmate’s place( for school work-related sleepover) while we were walking on the streets of Intramuros going to Cityhall, droplets of rain began to fall. Usually when it rains, he walks along with me because I always bring my umbrella. However that night, I forgot to bring it so I walked along with my friend who brought one while he walked with our groupmate (same girl that I got jealous with on Chapter 1) and they both shared the same umbrella. While we’re walking, I started to feel jealous. Yes I easily get jealous, and when I get jealous it really pisses me off and ruins my day. And yes as expected it happened. After the walk, we ride in the jeepney going to Valenzuela and guess who’s beside him? The same person he shared the umbrella with, while I sat at the end part of the jeep 9-persons away from him. While on our way, I saw them giggling maybe he’s joking or whatever. It got into my nerves but I tried to suppressed it.

When we arrived we had our dinner. He was joking around my groupmates were all laughing except me. I was in silence. Later that night, I tried to sleep (first time that I ever sleep on a group overnight). I was not in the mood and since it’s not my turn to work yet I went to the room and sleep. I woke up around 5am, all of them were already asleep while I began to my finish my task.  The following night, when we’re having our conversation he opened to me about how I acted the other night. And again he was just sensitive enough to know my actions. He asked me if I’m jealous and he explained to me that I  should’t be acting that way. We had a bit of arguing because he told me that I was the only one who slept early, that I should have helped him analyzing the work etc etc (since he is our leader). Then I just told him that I’m not feeling well and I finished all my work when they were all asleep. Yeah he was right I was just over reacting besides he’s not my boyfriend but sometimes I just can’t control my emotions especially when I’m in an extremely jealous mood.

3 Month Rule: Chapter 3(2010)

CHAPTER 3

Stressful Obligations

“Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold.  But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.”

Few days passed after the reshuffling of students from block 1 and 2 of the CS department. I was bothered at first because of the sudden changes that might affect on the groupings, and the fact that I will be left out by my existing groupmates and friends. Fortunately, the re-blocking has been granted and we were back to our original block and returned to our original group.

Our first semester as fourth year student wasn’t as surprising as our third year second sem. I already expected how hard it would be like when the semester starts. After few weeks of class discussions, our group began to work on our projects. Most of our subjects’ requirement was to develop software applications (such as games, CAI, library system etc..) and to submit proposals for Research Writing I and System Analysis and Design (*major subjects*). As part of the group, my task was to assign the work load to my groupmates base on their skills and capability and to check their work for the corrections. I was also assigned to create one of the software application which is Computer Aided Instruction. HE who was also the leader of our group was assigned for the programming of the other remaining application software. The rest of our members which are not capable of programming were assigned to interviews and documentation.

We had overnights at Valenzuela and at our house for us to work together. These overnights gave us an opportunity to get to know each other better and to have bonding time as friends.  Eventually, I and HIM became closer to each other and he got to see and appreciate the other side of me, the simpler me. However, those overnights  didn’t seemed to gave us good results on our subjects. The worst part of it, we always fail to arrive on time causing failed submission of documents and no defense. Months have already gone by, money and time were already wasted but still no sign of improvement in our group. We already had conflicts, more late submission and failed defense. I’m worried that we might really fail our subject for these reasons. I’m also concerned with the task assignment because most of my members weren’t able to correctly accomplish their work. I still need to recheck their work and correct their mistakes which consumed my time that I should have rendered on my task.

When our group had the opportunity to discuss our problems, I spoke to them and told them about my insights on how disappointed I was about the work assignment, the lack of communication in our group, lack of initiative, and most especially about the tardiness which caused  late submission of documents and not meeting the deadlines. I was very concerned at that moment because I knew that we’re running out of time and sooner or later we will be graded according to our work and presentation.  I was not the leader of our group however, our leader (him) also felt the same way and he allowed me to initiate the open forum. It felt like we’re both the only members of the group who worked tremendously without getting enough sleep and food. After the open forum, we continued struggling to finish our subjects’ requirements to be able for us to pass. Unfortunately, after all the hard work and sleepless nights that we had during the whole semester, we still failed two of our subjects.

After what we’ve gone through it made me realize few things, there will come a time that we have to choose between friendship and career. Sometimes, we have to give up the friendship when our future is at stake. When friends hinder you to accomplish your dreams, you just have to make a wise decision and choose what’s best for you even if it may affect them.

Lessons Learned: Finish your work ahead of time, communicate with your group, prevent yourself from any distractions and always put God first in every action and decisions you make.

3 Month Rule: Chapter 2 (2010)

CHAPTER 2

Ravelled Feelings

Have you ever encountered a situation wherein you tell everything to your friend about your feelings for someone you like/secretly love and then suddenly you found out that your friend also has feelings for you?

How about a situation wherein you’ve been asked by your crush or that special someone that you secretly love if you have feelings for him/her? These kind of situations will make your life more meaningful. Trust me, because life is full of surprises.

On-The-Job Training 

After all the misunderstandings and revelations that happened last time, I realized how blessed I am to meet someone who inspires me each and every time. I’m thankful for having those friends including him as part of my life.

Our last semester for school year 2009-2010 had ended, now it’s the beginning of a new chapter. In preparation for our fourth year in IT, we are required to undergo On-the-Job Training. Driven by my interest and dream, I applied to different companies in Makati and fortunately I ended up on a firm at Ortigas, Pasig with my college “guy” friend with the initials EM. Everything started out well, it’s a bit boring at first but as time passed by we began to encounter workloads and errands at the office.

MORE REVELATIONS

Spending everyday at the office with EM was an opportunity for us to get to know more about stuffs with each others’ life and the chance to share the ideas and secrets that we have. It’s like I have met a new BFF that I could comfortably share my feelings and secrets about “the man who inspires me”. Every time that I have conversations with “my inspiration”, I share every kilig stuffs to EM. Then one day as I was doing the usual sharing stuff with him, he started to open up something to me. At that time all I know was he has a crush with one of our friends. But after he opened up to me, I was so surprised to find out that he lied about the whole crush thing and that he actually have a crush on me and not on her. I really find it weird and funny but at the same time flattered. Can you imagine how he felt when I tell him about my feelings and kilig stuff with the man I truly like? I wasn’t expecting it because he was just like a brother or a BFF to me. I’m not really into him and I told directly to him that we could still continue the good friendship that we have. For me it doesn’t matter whether he has feelings for me or not or the other way around. I truly enjoy his company and I’m glad and thankful that someone like him appreciates the person that I am.

It was our enrollment that day and I arrived in school a bit late. Like the typical enrollment, the school is crowded with enrollees wanting to finish the whole enrollment process. We followed the usual step by step procedure despite of the very hot weather. As we go on the process, we bump into not-so-good news. We heard that the SIS reshuffled the students from different block and levels. We didn’t believe at first until we received our registration forms and had proven that it was true. Sad but true. That day, I already have an idea on who will be my block mates. From block 2, I was moved to block 1 with our friend Krizzia. In our circle of friends, the two remaining girls haven’t enrolled that day same to the other two boys. Mr. Nice guy (my inspiration) on the other hand was already enrolled but haven’t informing us. That same night I tried to ask him about his section but he keeps on avoiding the question and never really answered it.

The following day back at the office with EM, through YM I tried to ask him again with the same question, “Ano ba kasi talagang section mo?”. He again tried to avoid it. Few minutes after, EM told me that he already knew his section but he’s not allowed to tell it to anyone. Then in the middle of our conversation I told him, “cge pag2lungan nyo ko ni ….gnyan nman kyo eh”. Then he replied, “Gusto mo na talaga malaman? BLOCK 2 ako…ayan masaya ka na? It’s over.”. I was speechless and shocked after hearing that from him. I was stunned for a moment and told him that I’m okay with it. I told him that it doesn’t matter because we can’t do anything about it. I can do nothing about it. I was sad but I tried to hold on my emotions. It was not the right place and not the right time. Everything happens for a reason, and that point I realized that maybe God has a better plan for me. I should embrace change, nothing’s permanent in this world and we will always need to adjust ourselves to where and what fate brings us.

We’re both resilient for a moment then continued our conversation. We both felt the explosion of emotions in the sense that it affected us both especially when he arrived to this question “Aminin mo nga, nag ka gusto ka ba saken kahit minsan?“. For 10 seconds I was in a state of shock, confusion and total outburst of emotions. 10…9…7…5…3…2…1…With all the guts and confidence I said to him, “wanna know the truth..well the answer is YES”. It really felt good after revealing my deepest darkest secret to him. I also found out other revelations from him that brought superb happiness to me that day. It felt like I was in heaven. It was really a mix of emotions. That night, I sent him PMs through YM and started a conversation again with him. We talked about so much stuff, I was so talkative, I couldn’t control myself from asking questions or sharing stuff to him. We exchange thoughts and humor, we discuss about things like there’s no tomorrow. I took that as an opportunity to spend my time with him. I have nothing to hide, he already knew anyway. All I thought that time was for us to enjoy each others’ company while there’s still time to enjoy things. To enjoy life. Because we both know that once the school year starts, things will get more serious for us.

FOOLED BY FATE
                                             
“…the radio plays my favorite song and it’s what keeps me holding on…baby do you miss me now that I’m gone?”
Few days after what happened, everything sunk in to my mind. I discovered that four of our remaining friends were all in block 2 and only Krizzia and I were moved to block 1. I thought about the situations that I might encounter particularly in group activities, defense and thesis. Now that I’m away with my groupmates/friends whom I used to be with and away from my thesis partner (him), I was worried that I might have conflict with the new groupings and the adjustments that I have to deal with. I’m not complaining about it, but it just concerned me a lot. It’s like I’m going on a battle with a weapon that I’m not used of using. A new weapon that could either help me to win or could kill me.

One day, I received a text from my mom saying that I could still request for a re-block so I could return to block 2 just by internal negotiation with our IT Chairperson. I felt relieved and at that point there’s only one thing I really wanted to happen, that was to reunite with my friends from block 2. Others may think it as a selfish decision because Krizzia will be left behind if I return to block 2, but considering the benefits in making that decision are vast for a long run. I have to decide what was best for me and not for others, not even for a friend. I have many regrets in the past and I don’t want to make the same mistakes again.

3 Month Rule : Chapter 1 (2010)

CHAPTER 1

 Friendship for Love

Is it love or just a typical infatuation?

What is love? …A word with a million definition, indescribable feeling, incomparable and source of genuine happiness.

What is infatuation? …A feeling of confusion between love and admiration.

What is friendship? …A relationship that can be formed when combined with love, respect and countless amount of fun. Came from the root word “friend” –the most abused word in the universe.

A friendship that may lead to infatuation that can grow into much deeper which is L-O-V-E.

Now let’s move on to much lighter side of this…”I” as the subject for this matter will be sharing my (pause) dilemma to everyone.

LOVE or INFATUATION?  

It all began when I approached a group of geek guys to help me out for my defense in one of my not-so-interested subject back on my 2nd year in college. Honestly, I never imagined myself being part of their group, or being part of their “Circle of Friends”. People always give them wrong impressions like weird guys, geeks or the outer group. When I had the opportunity to hangout and open conversations with them, I realized, yes they’re different but they are not as bad as what other people said or what I thought before. They brought back the old MAI..They brought back the fun and happy me, something that was  gone for some time.

They became my friends, REAL friends, and became part of my so called “Circle of Friends”. And from here, it was the beginning of a much deeper friendship and relationship.

So this person who was part of their group suddenly had a good connection with me. We became close because of school / group activities. At first it was just for formality, meaning we talk about things that is only related to school matter like reports, projects, assignments and stuff…Because of the defenses and overnights that our group had, we became closer and closer until such time that he opened up to me about his life. We exchanged stories, we had great conversations not about school stuff but about our experiences, shared our own opinions and perceptions in life.

From the kind of person that I thought he was, I never expected that he would open up to me like that and for him to listen to my stories as well. Everything is just going so well, it’s like taking things one step at a time.

 

JEALOUS

One night, something happened that had affected me..big time! I felt mad, jealous, and confused. That was the time when I realized that it was not normal for me, that the admiration that I had with him was not just a simple admiration or crush.. That was the time when I asked myself “Am I falling in love?”

That same night, I posted a status message on my facebook wall that says, “there’s no way I’m gonna fall for this… I need to back off before I end up hurting myself”. Many of my friends posted their reactions/comments  including HIM. He asked me the reason why and just told him that it was just a dramatic thing but at the back of my mind I thought “actually, you are my problem”…Then he posted a comment on my status “I self destruct every relationship so that I don’t get hurt… but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run.” it was very intriguing but I didn’t asked for his reasons on why he said that. What does he mean by that? Is he avoiding love? or to be in love?Why?*sigh*.

After what happened that night, I tried to be distant from him. I avoided the chance of falling in love again. I learned my lessons from the past “Do not expect anything”, and I told myself that it will not happen again..not this time…I’m not yet prepared to get hurt.

 

REVELATION BEGINS

….Few weeks after….

One busy night in school while we’re waiting for the submission of documents, him and our circle of friends had a little game, the famous TRUTH or DARE spin the bottle game. At first we’re all having fun, the dare part was hilarious, everyone was laughing, it was really fun. On the last spin, the tip of the bottle was pointed to him. Our friend who knew about my secrets asked him the question “Kung may liligawan ka sa aming apat, sino yun at bakit?”. He tried to avoid the question, then he took a moment to answer then finally answered “si MAI”. Everyone started to giggle, I was speechless. I expected him to mention my friend “Sol”, but when he mentioned my name I was surprised, stunned and flattered. I tried to control my feelings (even if I’m super kilig), I just smiled, tried to act normal and listened to him about his reasons why.

I tried to listen but I was distracted with all the giggling and reactions from our friends. I just remembered him mentioning the words ‘supportive’, ‘kind’, ‘always there’ etc etc..the rest is just history. Our friends tried to render a follow up question but he refused and went outside the room to avoid it. Our friends were like “uiiiii kinikilig!….ang haba ng hair….ang saya-saya naman..” and they were all laughing. I just said to them ” wala yun, tumigil na nga kayo jan”. There was a bit “ilangan” but we both still manage to act normal like nothing happened.

++There are things that shouldn’t be talked about, just let it happen and everything will just follow++

The night after that, I had a conversation with one of our friends. We talked about what happened, about what HE said. Then she told me that she had a conversation with him. She asked him “nararamdaman mo ba na may gusto sayo si Mai?”. He said, “OO, hindi naman ako manhid eh..”   This time I was shocked and felt a bit embarrassed. Am I too obvious? Back in highschool, I remembered that I had a crush and was in love with my close friend and I was too obvious on my feelings but he actually had no idea and never felt a single thing. He was too insensitive, same as may ex-boyfriend. But this time, it hit me big time! He knew! He was sensitive enough to notice my gestures. It was epic fail, but I was grateful. Although he knew that I like him, he didn’t avoid me or what-so-ever. But instead we became even closer..

After all the revelations that I discovered, I realized that I’m blessed to find someone who gave me inspiration after those years of being alone and uninspired. I just want to take this opportunity to enjoy life, to be happy and to have fun without expecting anything in return.

 

FIRST CONFLICT

It was our last week in school, last week of hell for each and everyone of the CS and IT students. Our last week to finish and to accomplish all the requirements for our subjects. Our friend Mich and I were assigned for the revision of the documents for our major subject. The night before the submission of the documents we had encountered a problem, we weren’t able to finish everything. At that moment our mind weren’t responding and our body wanted to rest. I guess it was an after shocked from not sleeping because of the defenses that we had.

On the day of the submission, I woke up late. I alarmed my cellphone but because I was so dead-tired I wasn’t able to hear the alarm. That morning, I finished everything and went to school. I admit that I was very late and the time required for the submission had already passed by. I knew that if there’s someone to be blamed, that would be me.

On the way to school, my cellphone was dead-bat and I had no idea what time it was. I ran fast to the building and saw my group mates. Mich had told me, “magpaprint ka na, sina Jass nagpaprint na…bilis sundan mo sila”. I was in  hurry and went to computer shop to print a part of our document. When I came back to school holding the printed documents, I saw and asked him “saan sila?” and he pointed his finger to the corridor.

I hand it off to Mich when she said to me, “Galit si boss..late narin ako dumating…” then she showed me his texts. I was so stunned and so worried. He was really mad to the both of us and that was the first time I saw him in a very bad mood and disappointed. We finished all the documents that day, but he was still not in the mood to talk even if we already apologized on what happened. When I opened my phone, I received 3 unread texts from him with the same message that was saved on Mich’s phone.

That afternoon, the professors distributed our class cards. We’re all in the same room but I felt that he was distancing his self to us. Everyone in the room were laughing, everyone seemed so happy after receiving their class-cards, everyone except me. I was satisfied on the results of my grades, good grades, I passed. However, on that moment, I just can’t avoid the emotions that I held. I felt the opposite feeling. I was like torn into pieces, nothing left but sadness. I looked at him, he never looked back. Even if his anger had surpassed, I felt that a barrier had took place between me and him.

When we left the room, he stopped by for a moment and spoke to his CS friends. Usually, we all left the campus together with our COF, we wait for each other. This time, we left him with our 2 friends. I felt miserable that day, I cried on Mich’s shoulder. Do you know the feeling when a special person in your life is avoiding or ignoring you? *sigh*. That’s how I felt. When I got home, Mich texted me, she told me that HE wanted me to log in on YM and he was waiting for me. When I signed in, he was online but not sending any PMs. Then all of a sudden, he signed out. I was offended, I thought that he was expecting me and then he signed out. So that night, I slept with a feeling of resentment.

 

RECONCILIATION

The next day after that night, I checked my phone and saw 2 6-page text messages from him. He apologized for the harsh words that he said. From then on, the misery, the resentment that I felt swiftly vanished and those texts brought back my happiness.

On the day of the enrollment for our on-the-job training, everything was back to normal. I hadn’t spoke to him much that day but I was happy to see him. That night he sent me a PM still apologizing from what happened. He mentioned that he was worried because he thought that our friendship might change for what happened. I was grateful to know that he values our friendship and he was sincere enough to show good intentions. I told him not to worry because I understood that he did that for a valid reason. And that I value the friendship that we had and it won’t change a thing.

Battling the College Life (2010)

(Professors + Schoolwork) * Whole Month of March = HELL + WEIGHT LOSS + FRIENDS + INSPIRATION
HELL in religious tradition is defined as a place of suffering and punishment in the afterlife often in the underworld.

In my case, hell is defined as professors who torment their students by providing loads of schoolwork: seminars, exams, projects and DEFENSE DEFENSE DEFENSE all at the same time!!! It’s a serious case of torture really.
For the whole month of March I endure the greatest trial of my college life. Enduring all the sacrifices, lack of sleep, loss of appetite, criticisms and consequences. It seemed impossible to surpass everything but with God’s grace and my strong dedication I still succeeded and if I could only wish that it would never happen again (as if I have a choice). Obstacles are part of a student’s life most especially for college students who encounter these kinds of circumstances. Glad that despite of all the mess and chaos that took place, there’s always a good outcome. Never lose hope, that’s what they always say. I almost lose hope when things aren’t going right worst when bad luck got it in our way.  I felt responsible from everything but still pleased after analyzing the situation that this is just a journey in comparison to those people who stumble upon enormous bundle of problems day by day, people which I admire the most. This is just a learning experience and a reminder not to commit the same mistakes again. These mistakes like improper time management, distribution of labor, laziness, lack of focus etc.

On the other side of it, three good things that I gained in this experience are true friendship, strength and wisdom. Knowledge can be gained from teaching but wisdom is a blessing from God. Physical strength can be gained by working out but strength in spirit is set apart. And finding true meaning of friendship is a gift that cannot be taken away.  I’m still blessed and I’m graciously thankful for everything. God has a plan that will be revealed in the end.

Now my expectations for the next semester are set high. I’m on my 4thyr and I’m already aware of the things that shouldn’t be done.  This time my standards are set high whatever it takes to reach for the top not just to pass but rather to achieve and gain satisfaction. I know torture wouldn’t end there and I know it would be 10x difficult as from what we had surpassed. Motivation is the key, focus and hopefully resources are already presented.

Life is a never ending battle; I’m the warrior of my own fight.